Saturday, January 1, 2011

1-1-11

I have thousands of things I could post about on this here blog. The problem is, the things that are eating away at my brain, emotions, and soul are just too personal for the WWW. I don't know why, but I don't feel like the real "me" lately. Maybe I'm just getting old. Maybe I'm missing my school kids. Maybe I miss having our children and grandchildren around. Most likely I'm just dissatisfied with ME.

Did you know that I was voted "Most likely to become a prophetess" in High School. I was also voted as "Most likely to marry a general authority". Say what? It's true that I used to be a spiritual giant. I followed every rule. I lived the way I knew I should and the way that made my parents proud of me. I earned my Young Women In Excellence award, thrice over if it had been possible. My mantra used to be "Lips that have touched Coke will never touch mine." (Insert your own hysterical laughing here)


Then, real life punched me full on in the face. Not only did I marry and divorce, but I was the ONLY member of my entire family to BE divorced. (Bruce came through for me in the end but, that's a different story...thanks Bruce for helping me carry the scarlet letter D on my forehead!) So the charmed/perfect life I had known that I'd have, pretty much crashed and burned.

Don't worry, I recognize that out of the ashes come many blessings: my extremely rock-solid husband Terry, my two beautiful daughters, my son-in-law, my four step-children and two steps-in-law, my eight gorgeous grandchildren and one grand daughter waiting in the wings, dogs, a profession I love, friends, etc. I have been given so much in this life.

Hence, my dilemma. Why do I feel so disconnected with my "blessed" self? I'm just not cutting it. I don't want this to turn into a "poor me" post nor do I want to go on much longer. Suffice it to say that I'm kind of struggling with myself lately. I'm sure it stems from the hundreds of pounds I've gained since my two surgeries (they really kicked my butt), the teacher's salary we try to live on, Terry's health issues and misfortunes that have come my way of late.

It takes everything I have to post this and to admit it even to myself. I feel disconnected from the spirit. I have not worked hard enough on my own spirituality. It's so easy to backslide. Excuses are easy to come by. The only thing that has remained constant is that I read my scriptures (1390 consecutive days) every day. I do teach Sunday School at The Cove Point. But, other than that, I'm not as strong as I used to be even two years ago. I NEED this reflection on my life. Though I will NEVER be a prophetess I CAN be a handmaiden (Luke 1:38). I just need a little motivation and a lot of self-reflection of which THIS post is a part. Thanks for reading...that is, if you made it this far.

I will be fine. I will rise out of this deep funk. Don't worry about me.


Sometimes when I run into a photo
from my childhood I ask as I look into my own eyes:

"Would you be disappointed in the me which you've become?"
Sometimes the answer I come up with is "No"
but this week it is "Probably".






8 comments:

Becca said...

I am not worried about you, Tam Tam. You are a rock for everyone around you and there's only so much a person can give and still have something left for herself. And I think even if you feel disconnected from the spirit (however temporarily), the spirit is always connected with you - permanently.

I am sorry you're going through a hard time, though, and I hope you come through it and it makes all the wonderful things even sweeter for you.

You will always be a blessed person to me. xoxo

Rachel said...

I love Becca's response and I echo it.

Which brings me to why I've not posted much especially this past week and more. Just not feeling it ya know. Don't want to go into detail on my blog either.

Just know sista! You're not alone. We're all working at it right along with you and I do think you are a beautiful person.

As for the scarlet D.... we all have our scarlet letters. Some just have theirs hidden under sweaters because they are ashamed, in denial, etc. and don't want others to see theirs. Some of us don't have the option of hiding ours. You a divorce, me a teen pregnancy. Can't hide those can we! :D But! I don't know about you but I am glad. I don't want to 'pretend' that I am some self righteous twit that hasn't gotten some scars in this battle called life because it is because of my scars..... that makes me who I am today.

I'm not saying everybody should go and shout their sins, hardships, whatevers from the roof tops but to think or put on the appearance that we don't all struggle.... well.... that is like pretending we are above the Atonement. Ouch.

As I said Tami, you are a beautiful person because of who you are and what you've gone through. So kind and caring. I am SO glad I've gotten to know you over the past year.

Happy New Year!!!

Mel said...

hi mom. thanks for writing this. sometimes i forget you are a real person. in my eyes all i see is the strongest, smartest, nicest, most thoughtful, funniest, mama i could ever ask for. you are the woman i want to be. i'm sure that little girl you once were would fall over backwards in amazement at the woman she became. yeah sure maybe you didn't turn into a prophetess but guess what you did turn into? one of THE most beloved women i have ever known. i have never met anyone who doesn't love you, who doesn't want to be around you, and laugh with you. you have always been the one to carry us through our hard times and guess what? we're here to carry you through yours. to love you and support you through all life's trouble and heartache. i love you mama. i am the luckiest girl to have you.

Erin said...

That school-aged picture of you looks so much like YOU that it looks like you wearing a ringlet wig and a bow. Oh, and with a tooth knocked out.

Also, Mel's response made me cry in its honesty and in just how dead on right it is.

I love you. Remember when we held hands in that very special chapel in AF? Well, that is the Tami that I know and love and that I know is who you are.

And, anyone who has the love and admiration of so many 6 year olds (including mine) is someone very, very amazing.

Erika @ Oops! I Craft My Pants said...

I love you. That's all.

I agree with everything everyone else wrote. Plus more. So, pretend I wrote a really long nice message that one upped everyone else.

All I really want to say is that I love you a lot and look up to you so much.

Abbie said...

Um...AMEN to Mel's comment! Holy smokes, she said it! You are sooooo loved by everyone! And we all know you rock.

I love your honesty.
I love your smarty-pants.
I love your faith.
I love your strength.
I love how much you love dad.
I love your humor! Oh, how I love to laugh with you! I LOVE TO LAUGH WITH TAMI!!
I love that you know what's hip.
I love your challenge to read the BoM.
I love that you inspire me to get more education.
I love how much you inspired me to read when I was in my tender years and now it's my favorite think to do!
I love how much my kids love you.
I love how muc hyou love my kids.
I love coming to your house and feeling like I can be myself no matter how I'm feeling.
I love how you always cheer me up.
I love how much you love Mel and Erika.
I love your texts.
I love your comments on my blog.
Did I already say I love your honesty?
I love how much you love us four hoodlums & our two spouses.
I love your gifts - you give the best gifts!
I love your heart.
I love how you love people that are sometimes hard to love.
I love your advice (even if I don't take it - I know you love me when you give it to me).
I love that you love me no matter what.
I FREAKING LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, I think we should go to Honks:):):)

Tami said...

Thank you. I love you all. I will be fine. You all deserve medals!

emlizalmo said...

Hmmm...ditto. Feeling pretty much the same over here. Slumpsville. I think I need to fill more of my down time with good, uplifting things. You are wonderful. Please remember that.

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