Sunday, July 8, 2012

Why?

I've had a bad case of "The Whys" lately.  I'm not in the depths of depression or anything (that's not me)  but, I've done a lot of crying.  I've been inundated with thoughts about my life thus far and what I've done with it.  I've reflected and reflected and reflected.  (Living alone is very lonely sometimes!) I was surprised at the "whys" that kept coming to me.  Like:

Why was I the chubby teenaged wallflower at the stake dances?
Why did I have to meet and marry a man who had 32 different jobs in the three years we were married? (no lie!)
Why did I have to reach 300 pounds during that marriage?
Why did I do the unthinkable...divorce?  The first in my family.
Why did I have to have re-occurring tumors that forced me to abandon my life-long yearning to have several children?
Why did it happen at the young age of 30?
Why did I have to raise two daughters, aged one and two, by myself for seven years with no support?
Why me?
Why this?
Why that?
And, the worst...why did my boyfriend have to leave me so suddenly?
Why?
Why?
Why?

Then, as I thought about all of these "why me?" questions, I received an answer. A whispering in my mind and in my heart.  The answer was another question...

Why NOT me?

Why. NOT. me?

Who was I to question my life's experiences?  Every single "negative" experience that I have had to bear has blessed me ten fold and led me to the next phase of my life.

I have two beautiful daughters who I raised during those seven years alone.  Our relationship is one-of-a-kind because of that "why me?".  Plus, my sons-in-law...and Eloise.

Had I never met and married my boyfriend, I would never have my four step-children.  Plus two more in-laws...and those eight grandchildren.

For these blessings alone, I am grateful.

I have no idea what I'm suppose to learn from the loss of my husband.  It's still very, very soon for me to make sense of it all.  But, I know that I don't say "Why me?" anymore.  That gets me nowhere.  I just want to be more open to my life's experiences.  Open to giving and to receiving love from those around me so willing to "help".  Allowing me to feel the feelings that come to me without crawling back into bed and shutting out the world.



 7 "And if thou shouldst be cast into the apit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the bdeep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to chedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of dhell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee eexperience, and shall be for thy good.
 The aSon of Man hath bdescended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"
-Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-8





 

9 comments:

Marianne said...

This is simply beautiful. I continue to pray for you and all who love you (which is a whole lot of people!)

The Nixons said...

You are so amazing and I look up to you so much. I love you and pray for you often.

mel said...

love you cute mama. this was perfectly put.

Sande said...

As always, absolutely beautiful, Tami. You have so many gifts (talents). I am in awe of you!

Mandi said...

First of all, beautifully put, it made me think of my intern year. After my divorce I remember asking the Why Me? questions a lot. . . one day I had an epiphany that I needed to start asking the question What's Next? It took a while to get there. Some where along the way I figured out that why-me is the first step to what's-next. It's a journey.

SarahLeavitt said...

Love you Tami....love your strength!

emlizalmo said...

This is beautiful. I kindof needed it today. Right now. <3

Brooke's Blessings Blog said...

Tami, if you're ever lonely...I'm just downstairs! We could watch a movie together sometime. I admire you more than you know. Keep being the amazing strong woman that you are!

Rachel said...

Beautiful. Everything about you. Beautiful.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...