Creation

Sometimes, I look at my daughters and can't believe they came from me.  Both are so much better than I could ever hope to be.  Better than I ever was.  Better wives.  Better humans.  Better.  Their minds are keener than mine.  Their faith stronger.  Their drive and ambition are limitless.

Somedays my heart is so full of pride that I feel I might burst.  Just see if you don't agree...


Melissa created THIS:

A knitted and original design
(sorry so blurry)

Erika created THIS:

An original design!

Together, they created THIS:

See what I mean?

Hundreds of Little Pieces...

I'm just going to come right out and say it, "Christmas without Terry is not easy."  I've tried over and over to put it out of my mind.  I thought that if I tried some aversion tactics that I could somehow avoid the knot in my stomach and the rubber band around my heart.  I thought that if I skipped the men's socks aisle at Costco, I could forget that I bought him a huge package every year.  If I walked with my eyes facing straight ahead when I walked past Fanzz, where they sell the annual Bears cap, that I wouldn't "see" the black background with the bright orange "C" emblazoned on all the merchandize. I won't need to buy a pair of 501 Levis this year and I made every attempt to avoid going to that area of each store.  And the candy!!  Every bit of it reminds me of him:  Terry's Chocolate Oranges, Almond Roca, ZCMI (Macey's) chocolate mints, almonds, chocolate dipped marshmallows, fudge, Book of Lifesavers, and on and on.  

None of it worked.  Terry is all round.  I can't avoid him.  He is in every good thing this time of year and always.

There were two tasks in particular that I dreaded.  One was putting up the Nativity.  The other, decorating the tree (more about that in another post).  I chose to do the Nativity first since that was the only responsibility I "let" Terry have when it came to Christmas. We had purchased the set together just three months after we were married.  I thought that if I did it first, I could get it out of the way with minimal tears and then move on to the other things.  After pulling the boxes out of the basement crawl space, I set them on the piano bench and then reached around behind the piano to plug in the lights.  But, when I pulled out the piano, it knocked the Nativity box off of the bench.  It crashed to the floor, breaking several pieces.  Worst of all, though, was Mary.  She had been broken to pieces.  I couldn't believe it.  I sat down on the floor and sobbed.  I cried and cried and cried again.  I felt like I had ruined everything. I tried to glue her back together but couldn't see what I was doing through the tears.  The glue wasn't working and I was falling deeper and deeper into dispair.

I kept thinking about how if I just hadn't put that box on the bench.  If I'd saved the lights until last.  If I'd waited and put it up later.  If. If. If.  It occurred to me that I was mourning for Mary the same way I had been mourning for my boyfriend.  Why? Why? Why?  A creche is not a creche without Mary.  My life is not a life without Terry.

Well, I have since glued part of Mary back together.  She can sit up now.  She can hold her baby.  She is lovely.  But, she isn't whole.  In fact, there is a huge gaping hole in her body that no one can see.  I know it's there because I could hide it if I turned her just so...like I hide mine. The Nativity LOOKS normal but the heart is broken...like mine. It's broken into hundreds of little pieces...just like me.

Today...

...I have never loved my 21 first graders more.

For the Fourth Time! Happy Thanksgiving!

I just love this video.  Have a great Thanksgiving, my friends!

Two Girls

Melissa Rae Sullivan
Erika Norma Senneff
(making Hazel Rae!)

These two ladies are the two most important influences of my life.  Since 1987 (Melissa's birth year) we have been together.  They have been with me through the most important parts of my life:  birth, divorce, remarriage, dogs, step-families, graduations, boyfriends, fiance's, weddings, weddings, and more wedding.  Losing cousins, an aunt, grandparents and the greatest man to ever enter our lives.  These daughters of mine have changed my life for the very best.  They have taught me compassion, patience, loyalty, love, kindness, and generosity.  As I watch them be wives to their wonderful husbands, it makes me feel proud and very humble.  Proud, because I can't believe they came from me and I was lucky enough to raise them into the beauties they are.  Humble, because I don't feel worthy that they are mine.  That I raised theme alone for seven years, then for 15 years with the man of my dreams who loved them without judgement or measure.

I love them so much.  I'm very blessed.  I adored them as babies.  I giggled with them as small children.  I cried with them as teenagers.  I puff up with pride as I witness them as adults.  I am just so very, very blessed.

I love you Melissa Rae and Erika Norma.

Empty

Every Sunday we have "family dinner".  Both girls and their husbands have always come.  Occasionally, Melissa comes with her girls from SLC.  And, if we're lucky, one of the other kids are in town and they come too.  When Terry and I were talking about getting married and what our future would look like, we always knew that we wanted to have a Sunday dinner tradition.  And so it was and is still.

Only, now there is an empty chair.  It sits at the "head" of the table (I'm at the other).  It sits there. Empty.  Like the flashing light of a hotel vacancy sign.  Every Sunday.  No one ever sits there because it's "his" chair.

Today that chair stood empty once again only, this time, it was our first Canadian Thanksgiving without him.  He was always so excited for Canadian Thanksgiving because we would usually invite 30 or so friends, neighbors, and family to celebrate with us.  He'd hang our gigantic Canadian flag, with more duct tape than you can shake a stick at, in the middle of our front room window.  He'd make everyone laugh and make everyone feel important as he really listened to what they had to say.  He'd most likely send something home with someone...or two.  Then he'd eat the red jello, white chocolate cheesecake, and anything laced with sugar until he was sick.  Then he'd eat more.  Then he'd tell me, "That was the BEST meal I've ever had!"  And I'd tell him he said that EVERY year.  Eyeroll.  Laughter.  Love.

I missed that today.  For my sanity, I had to scale it back this time.  The girls and their husbands were here.  And, of course, Eloise.  Making it six of us rather than 30+.  The food was delicious.  We talked and laughed and missed the person who should have been sitting in that empty chair at the head of our family table.  I miss him terribly.  But, at this Thanksgiving time I am thankful for him. I am so very thankful.  More than words could ever say.  It's hard to realize that tears can't bring him back nor fill his empty chair.  But, they can help me remember him and wet my cheeks with love.

2012 Canada Extravaganza: Family Reunion

Dr. Pepper and Cheese opening social, visiting, electrical horse riding, Larry reenacting the "let's-cock-4 year old Tami's-finger-in-the-pellet-gun" scenario, softball in cowboy boots, smoking some celebratory black licorice cigars, exhausted children, enamored children, a visit from Darth Vader!

When I was in high school, my mom took my senior picture and blew it up to poster size.  I thought that poster was long gone until it showed up in my brother's "complex" (fancy name for his garage-o-junk).  When I arrived at the reunion, there is was again.  It had been attached to the body of the lead actress in the Matrix movies!  (If only I could look that good in real life!)  Anyway, one of the activities was to take some rubber tubing and make a water balloon sling shot.  Then, each person took a turn trying to hit my matrix poster!  How rude!