A Little LESS Conversation

(My apologies to my GDT friends who have already heard this story!)




You know, people are good.  They really are.  People don't normally decide in the morning that "Today, I'm going to say something stupid to someone and make them feel sad!"  Do they?  Please say no.  Well, unfortunately, well-intentioned (I'm being positive here) people say really stupid things.

My case(s) in point:

#1:  Yesterday, a sort-of-coworker of mine who doesn't work at my school, expressed her condolences about my recent loss.  I appreciate that so very much.  HOWEVER, sometimes, less is more.  After we got that part out of the way, she said, "I just want you to know that ______, who works in our area is sporting a big ole' HUGE rock on her finger.  Her husband died less than a year ago and she's getting married!  She was taking meals in to a man and they hit it off and fell in love.  There's always hope!"

WHAT THE HELL?  I don't think she spoke out of malice but rather, stupidity.  Really?  Would you say to a mother who had lost her child that she could find comfort in having another child?  You can't just replace someone with someone else.  That person, my boyfriend, will ALWAYS be my love.  Irreplaceable.  It's been less than two months, for heaven's sake!

#2:   I have already forgiven the other acquaintance of mine (who also works in the area but not at my school) who had no clue what had happened in my life but was still stupid.  As a bit of prior information, I am currently wearing Terry's wedding band with mine.  It's important for this story.  Also important to the story is the fact that we were sitting at a table with seven people and she was sitting all the way across the table.  So, here's the conversation:

Her:  Holy Cow!  Look at that ring!  How many husbands do you have??

Me:  None

Her:  What?  Are you knocking them off one at a time?  Or what??

...awkward silence as my two fellow first grade teachers who indeed DO work at my school slowly, mentally, slid under the table.

Me:  I'll tell you about it later.

I mean...come.on!  Really?

I realize that this is a total vent and I would never call anyone "stupid" (to his/her face).  And, as I encounter these situations, it makes me want to be a little less stupid myself!  Okay, a lot less stupid.

Why?  Oh Why?
:)
(poor little Ellee!)

I miss...

•     when you slurp your soup or milk from your cereal bowl

•     phone messages saying:  "I don't think I told you how pretty you look today"

•     sunflowers

•     tripping over 25 pound dumbells

•     hearing:  "you couldn't BUY a meal this good!"

• you yelling "XBOX!  PLAY!"

•  repeating my instructions three times

•     you doing all the hard things I can't do...like meeting new people

•  your crazy ideas like putting bright orange pumpkins in the Maw's flower garden

•     That ssscccrrrrpppiiinnnggg sound of knife sharpening

•     the smell of oil paint and linseed oil

•     the smell of too much Axe spray

•  the knife channel

•     watching you shave

•     you bragging about me

•     washing and folding your laundry

•     your smell after you've worked in the yard all day 

•     the way you talk to our friends at Cove Point

•     having you play with my hair

•     the way you love Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers

•     the glow you have when you talk about your grandchildren

•     Chicago Bears "stuff" everywhere

•     watching you with the dogs

•     the occasional "f-bomb" when someone makes you really upset

•     your remorse over said "f-bomb"

•     your swear jar

•     holding hands at the movies

•     watching your interactions with Melissa and Erika's friends...and theirs with you.

(how they love you!)

•   tickling your hand and arm at church

•     listening to you sing U2 songs when you think no one can hear you

•     the notes you leave me in surprise places

•     the annual poem you write to me at the start of every new school year 

• finding your socks everywhere

•     hearing you tell me "I love you" at least five times each day

•     saying "I love you"

•     your immovable, complete, testimony of the savior

•     your incredible smile

•     your laugh!  (oh, that laugh)

•     your priesthood blessings

•     your strength

•     your faith

•     you 

Fighting Doubts and Fears

Michael Wilcox was a seminary teacher of mine about 35 years ago in Cardston, Alberta, Canada. He and his wife, Laurie, will forever be in my memory as major contributors in my life. I had initially picked up the book after noticing his name as the author. Then...as if by fate...realized that it was a book about the death of his Laurie. I found this book two weeks after losing my own sweet husband. Every word and thought he wrote, I had thought but could NOT write. It was truly a gift from my Heavenly Father for me. As I read, I felt "normal" in my grieving. I realized that some of my thoughts about my Terry, which I had initially thought were crazy and selfish, were not. Knowing that someone else felt like I did helped me find some peace.

If I am being honest on this blog (and I am), I will share my crazy/selfish thought by including a quote from this book.  Every single word cut through me and I wondered how he could have known my very private thoughts.  I have taken the liberty of substituting "he" for she and "Terry" for Laurie.  His words could be mine if I were as gifted a writer as he.  He wrote:

"I think all people who suffer the loss of a loved one, especially a spouse, pass through dark doubts; at least in the last months all I have talked to have expressed a similar uneasiness to a greater or lesser extent.  In spite of temple covenants, in spite of faith in eternity, I cannot help but question if he will still want me.  "He will!" I'm always told by those who knew us best, but black doubts when I am alone with my fears are not easily dismissed.  Without him I can conceive of no lasting eternal happiness. If I cannot be with him it will not matter what God gives me--I will have missed heaven.  Yet some assuring voice inside says it wouldn't have been love if it went away because of our weaknesses...


Yet there are times I cannot get beyond the fears of that "if".  I could have done so many things so much better.  Did I cherish him enough?  Was I nourishing?  However, I tell myself that God would not continue to let me hurt without healing if Terry were lost to me forever.  No good God could possibly do that.  He would begin to take him out of my heart.  The fact that he remains locked within so tightly and that the ache continues at such a high level should tell me he is still mine and I his, and I need not worry.  "No cause, no cause."

Be Okay

So...

I sat down the other day to write thank you cards to all of the people who made my 

life so much easier and who have carried me over the past five weeks.

Those who buoyed me up as the world felt muted to me, like living underwater.

Impossible!

There are too many of you.  I could never, never, never, find enough cards at Target

to adequately thank everyone.

I had prayers, cards, Facebook wishes, GDT wishes, more prayers, flowers, lesson planners, hugs, calls, emails, texts, photos, visitors, movers, shakers, meals, cleaners, 

movers (oh, I said that already!), 

travelers, packages, books, daffodils delivered in a snowstorm, more phone calls, 

and more phone calls,

more hugs, and more tears shed with me than I can count.

You all knew what my family and I needed before we knew what we needed.

These blessings came from all over the world:

Canada, Sri Lanka, Australia, France, Richfield, 

NYC, Colorado, Utah, and every state in between.

To all of you...

I thank you. 

It's as simple as that and as deeply, deeply felt as my broken heart can feel.

As I mentioned earlier, 

you all carried me and continue to do so as I deal with the

grief of losing my best friend, my love, my boyfriend,

my Terry.

I have several "go to" songs that help me through the day.

(One Celestial and one a bit more Telestial...maybe even outerdarkness-like)

This one by Ingrid Michaelson is my current mantra.

I listen to it every morning...especially now, often four or five times in the car, or on the way to school.

After seeing the video,

I love it even more and feel exactly as she does as

those who love her, carry her...

like you all did for me.

I love you.

Found One More (maybe Two)

One more!  I will always remember this day!  Thanks to Melissa for lending us your twins!

Then, sweet Erika posted this last night/this morning!  It's all true.  Terry DID set a timer whenever Eloise came over so that we had equal time with her!!!

Found These...

This morning (2 am) I was browsing through my past posts on this blog.  I started finding several posts about my boyfriend/husband, Terry.  At first, it made me cry.  Then, the more I found and read, I found myself smiling and even laughing a little about all the great memories I have of him.

So, I gathered most of them here, in one place, so that I can find them quickly and smile again when I'm missing him so much that I can barely breathe.



I wrote this about my boyfriend back in 2008 when I was writing my "series" of the people I "like" which sometimes is even a little deeper than "love".

And this one that is just a sweet story.

A birthday post.

A Father's Day post.

Why he'd make a great babysitter!

Why I will ALWAYS adore sunflowers.

His one and only modeling job.

His sweet-tooth...have you ever seen Elf??

Harry Potter and the costumes (yes) we both were tricked into wearing!

"Creative" home repairs.

Oh, I miss him.

I Still Have No Words...

Tonight I am extremely sad.  I have nothing to say yet. but am sooo proud of those children who do.  
If you care to read some beautiful posts about my boyfriend, Terry...here you go:

Erin (Daughter/Friend/sister-from-a-different-mother, and one of my best friends) wrote about the shock we all felt as we found out about our Terry.

Erika (Daughter) Wrote a very poised post the very evening of her daddy's death.  I am amazed at her words.

Melissa 2 (Daughter.  We have two Melissa's...this one is born of my loins an adopted by Terry) wrote the most amazingly, tender, letter to her papa that makes me cry each and eveytime I read the piece.

Then, there's Abbie.  Terry's youngest daughter...There are actually others as well as you look around.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Thanks to these lovelies, I can have a little more time before I can actually write.  And, write I will...just not right now.  I'm just still very sad.